Radiogirl

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London Grammar June 16, 2017

Filed under: Uncategorized — radiogirlnyc @ 1:22 am

Yeah, I’m tripping over lyrics less Yeats-ian than one might hope for, but this song reached out of the speakers today and made me pay attention. ¬†You do with them what you will.

 

Love, what did you do to me?
My only hope is to let life stretch out before me
And break me on this lonely road
I’m made of many things, but I’m not what you are made of

Only now do I see the big picture
But I swear that these scars are fine
Only you could have hurt me in this perfect way tonight
I might be blind, but you’ve told me the difference
Between mistakes and what you just meant for me

Don’t say you ever loved me
Don’t say you ever cared
My darkest friend

Words
Have you forgotten
All the lies you left there, so fresh
Turning old in the air
And now, you have no weapons
You can try to get close to those I love
Do you really think they don’t know what you’re made of?

Only now do I see the big picture
But I swear that these scars are fine
Only you could have hurt me in this perfect way tonight
I might be blind but you’ve told me the difference
Between mistakes and what you just meant for me

Don’t say you ever loved me
Don’t say you ever cared
My darkest friend

 

The Year of Living Dangerously June 14, 2017

Filed under: Uncategorized — radiogirlnyc @ 11:50 pm

Yeah, this:

 

Close Encounters

Filed under: Uncategorized — radiogirlnyc @ 7:19 pm

He buried his face in my neck and slid his fingers up the back of my head, “oh….” he breathed, “your hair smells like roses…”

 

One foot in front of the other… June 8, 2017

Filed under: Uncategorized — radiogirlnyc @ 9:51 pm

Leave it to some precocious 20 year old to lead the way…

 

Too Soon? May 31, 2017

Filed under: Uncategorized — radiogirlnyc @ 1:59 am

He sings Iggy Pop songs. The best ones. He’s an artist and a craftsman. He’s funny and blazingly hot. And we collided a gajillion years ago. And a tentative path is being gently trod all these years later.

This is beyond okay.

“The world only spins forward…”

 

Three percent May 21, 2017

Filed under: Uncategorized — radiogirlnyc @ 3:08 am

One of my sisters said that one of the ways she got through her divorce was by asking herself whether she was three percent better today than she was yesterday. If she was, then it was a good day.

I was good today. 1.5 % percent, but anything is forward movement, right? I only cried for 5 minutes…

He called me today to talk about our son. At the end of what was a really fruitful conversation, he said he was getting on the road back to Connecticut. I told him to have a safe trip back and then almost said, as we always used to do, “I love you”. And the muscle memory wants to say it. And the truth is that I still do.

In the book “The Perfect Storm”, Sebastian Junger describes in detail (that still both repels and attracts me) how the body dies by drowning. It’s harrowing and sad, because you essentially make the choice to take that final breath which fills your lungs with water. And here I am, offshore, with the ship I’ve relied on for 30 years riddled with holes. And I’m faced with the choice to take that final breath – the one that dooms you.

I’m swimming hard toward the beach….

 

An Odd Set of Days May 20, 2017

Filed under: Uncategorized — radiogirlnyc @ 6:09 am

So, my husband deactivated his Facebook account today. Seeing as how I’m not in middle school, this shouldn’t be of any consequence. But it kind of is. And his decision is – I believe – in part because of the support I’ve gotten from women (and men) from every part of my life. And that he probably saw that support.

The truth is, I am exhausted.

There is nothing that can be said or done to make me more well-rested. This is what it is.

But I still don’t know what the arrangements are for my cousin’s funeral, I have to spend 3 hours in a group psych meeting at my son’s rehab on Sunday and really – what I want to do is spend an entire day in bed.

And it may well happen soon. And I won’t be alone. This sustains me for now.